2006-10-14
It's over...
Well, it�s been a hell of a ride these last 3 weeks.
It started with a 2-week stint at a client site� weekend between included. While this is always a tiring and stressful time, it was made more so because most of my time was spent as the only native English speaker� and often the ONLY English speaker. Hard to train on complex software, new procedures and generally keeping things moving along when you�re doing all your communications via an interpreter (and I use that term interpreter loosely� the person was bi-lingual� but when I have to stop and say �can you now please tell them what I just said�, it tends to make it a bit disjointed). And we won�t even go into the �grunt and point� sessions�
So� away from home and stressed for quite a long time� only to be followed by a single full day at home, then back on the road (to the same client � same stress).
Finally, FINALLY� I left the site this Thursday evening, and have spent all day yesterday doing nothing but recouperating. Oh�. And signing my final divorce papers.
For those of you that don�t know me personally� you may want to stop reading here. What follows is a rare �poor me� tome, replete with �am I wrong� pleadings� kinda sad, really. I�m usually a �silver lining� type person� and this is nothing but pure self-pity.
You�ve been warned�
It�s a huge load off my shoulders, having that finally behind me. The separation started well over a year and a half ago, so the emotions of that are pretty well gone. What was still hanging, and really weighing me down, was the �not knowing� how the final division of property (and future payment of alimony) would go. While I now have a long line of people just waiting to be my next ex, I�m able to live with the result. I have time left in my life (knock on wood, praise Alla, God willing, with Nature�s help, etc� whatever is appropriate) to rebuild� and if I don�t, then it doesn�t really matter. Material and money are transitory�
What I didn�t count on was the feeling that I�ve just lost everything. Which is a bit contradictory, since I really, really don�t mind losing the material and money. But when I signed the documents, and then the quit-claim deed� and I hear from her that �it isn�t enough�� damn, there�s nothing left to bleed.
I pride myself on doing what I think is right, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. And I�ve done that this last year and a half� paying her what we both agreed she needed to maintain the household until this was final. This wasn�t court-ordered, nor was it really (really!) required, as she could have got off her lazy ass and worked. But� I was able, and it was only money� so I did.
I know it�s her sense of not having the security of a husband to provide financially that has her wigged out� she proved over and over again that it�s not the loss of companionship or love, or anything like that. For years, I was simply a provider. And now, that provider is no longer there�. Well, except via court ordered payments until the alimony is complete. So, I sympathize� to a point.
What I�m really have the tough time handling is the refusal of her to see that I�ve just lost so much myself. Signed over the house and the equity, sans a small, paltry buy-out from her that amounted to all of what� well less than 10% of what I could have insisted on had I been �fair� about it.
I just handed her a huge, HUGE sum of money� and all she can do is say �I deserve more��. That makes me sick.
OK� I�ve gotten this out of my system. Thanks for reading� and of you�re going to throw rotten tomatoes at the scoundrel that I am� please, be considerate and make your aim true. I�d hate to see some innocent reader pelted instead.
t85225 at 4:14 p.m.
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