2006-10-07
It rambles... it wasn't thought out or edited... but it's a post :p
Wow� I really find myself struggling with internal issues lately. Maybe because my time interacting with others has been limited lately� or maybe because I�ve finally made a push to actually interact with local people face-to-face, rather than just via this quasi-real medium we call the internet. Or� maybe it�s just time to struggle.
Dating is the one thing that has me the most perplexed at the moment. My definition of �dating� was seeing more than one person (no one exclusively), usually on a �friendship� basis (at least at first), with the idea that the old 10 percent rule would apply� see 100 people, and 10 would meet your criteria for a 2nd date�. And 10 percent of the second dates would lead to real attraction� blah, blah, blah.
Well, I suck at that. Big time. So I�ve �dated� a bit now, and apparently my definition isn�t held by anyone else. It appears that if I don�t show more than friendship on the 1st date, there isn�t a 2nd. Or� maybe I fall flat on the 1st so that there is no 2nd? No, that�s not it, unless my dates have all been so weak as to simply melt in my arms on the 1st date because it�s expected� and I don�t think that�s the case. No, I think I just suck at dating. I simply don�t want to end up in a lip lock on the 1st date. That�s so� whorish. And I mean for myself, not the people I�m trying to date. If they are OK with that, more power to them. It�s just that I�ve got this ingrained concept that being intimate is a monogamous thing, and I�m not ready to be �monogamous� on the first date.
How did I ever survive adolescence? Oh yeah� I didn�t.
Anyway� if dating was all that I was struggling with, I�d feel better. At least I could focus my energies toward that. But noooo� that would be far too easy.
I spoke with an old friend in the lifestyle the other night, and while we hadn�t been �intimate� before (ok, we all have to make the leap here that �intimacy� is possible via chat, email and phone), we had shared a lot personally. We consider each other good friends. This time, we apparently were both at the same place emotionally, and things just kind of progressed. Now, when all was said and done, we were NOT intimate, but discussed it. And omg, did that dredge up feelings / desires that I�ve been repressing for quite a long time (because� let�s face it� these feelings / desires are not very helpful when they go unfulfilled for too long, ya know?).
All of a sudden, the desire to Dominate was overpowering. The thoughts of directing, of having someone react to my direction (both forceful and subtle) were churning up feelings and cravings that must be akin to a junkie being hours past due for a fix and knowing that all he has to do is go through that door to get what he needs.
I tend to get this �fix� in my professional life; I waltz into a company, tell the masses what�s going to happen and when, in what order, and why. There is always rebellion at first, but over the course of an implementation, I move from �asshole consultant� to �confidant and demi-god� to most everyone involved. But, while that provides for the �want to be in charge and worshipped� fix, what I really need is this provided at a more intimate and on-going basis. And thus, the internal struggle. I suppress this desire, this need, on a constant basis. It just doesn�t help to let it loose and go unfulfilled.
Well, I haven�t spewed like this in quite awhile. I�m done now, and we return to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress�
t85225 at 3:01 p.m.
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