2006-08-27
A stream of consciousness post...
What a relief� I�m no longer homeless. This weekend, I rented a room in a 3 bedroom apartment that is just a scoch shy of Animal House.
The guy that holds the lease is early 30s and does home PC sales. The other roommate does PC repair at the same location. They have SOME furniture in their bedrooms, and there�s a dinette set in one end of the combined living room / dining room� but that�s about it. For a more complete description (with a pic of the permanent houseguest), visit my Yahell 360 page (profiles.yahoo.com/t_85225).
And now that the stress of where I�m going to sleep / store my stuff is gone (at least for the moment� I can�t imagine staying here very long, but it�ll do for now as the price rocks!), I�ve been starting to mull over the last few months of my life. And I don�t particularly like what I�m finding.
Geez� just a few posts ago, I was complaining about being drama-free and not having anything to write about. Now I�m inventing it. But it is important that I learn from all this� and writing about it seems to be the way I solidify the myriad thoughts flying through my feeble mind.
So� what happened to me? A few things�
One, I made the simple mistake of falling for a persona, and not a person. Which I look back on and really wonder about. I had, over and over again, let people I was talking to know that a face-to-face is ESSENTIAL before I would think of starting a �relationship�. And then, I break my own rule. I suppose I succumbed to being tired of being alone� I don�t know. Or maybe it�s something else entirely that I haven�t figured out yet. Whatever the reason, I broke my rule and suffered.
I tell myself that I have a defense for this, and in a way I suppose I do. I try to present the �real� me to everyone I meet online or in person� it�s just in my nature to hold very little of myself back, and if they don�t like what they see they can always move on. And because of this, I am (naively) assuming that everyone else is as honest about who they are as well. I think it�s human nature� for most, anyway� to assume the best in everyone they meet. I mean, who wants to walk around being a cynical SOB. That�s no way to live life.
Yet� I�m definitely a bit cynical now. I look at most everyone with a 3rd eye, wondering, weighing what is said against the possibilities of truth, partial truth or outright falsehood.
One good thing has come out of all this� I�m suddenly once again very happy to be alone. Perhaps I had to see that simply having SOMEONE in my life isn�t the important thing here. For the last 6-7 years, the loneliness has been a driving factor in my thoughts. I wanted� craved� thought I needed someone to share my life with. And now, I see that I don�t �need�it. It�s a desire, sure, but not a need. I can be happy, fulfilled� and I can be me� without someone else.
Logically, I always knew this. But as with most profound changes that occur in a person�s life, it�s a major incident that needs to be the catalyst for jump-starting the true understanding at a level deeper than the intellectual. You have to FEEL it� and now I do.
t85225 at 10:45 a.m.
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