2006-05-03
OK, one last small fit of bitterness....
I�m presently in Livermore, CA, home of Lawrence Livermore and Sandia Natinal Laboratories. Both full of rocket and nuclear scientists.
And I�m visiting a box plant.
You see the irony in that, don�t you?
I�m writing this and realizing just how tired I am. Physically and emotionally. While I�m looking forward to my life going back to �normal� (whatever the hell that is), there are certainly things I�m going to miss� well, things I thought I had that I�m going to miss.
After little one and I parted ways, we didn�t speak for maybe a day. But not longer. Yeah� we started talking again, about how things should have been different, which lead to a discussion of how things could be different� and which time she vowed that things would be different. Sigh� how could I not give her another chance?
I�ll spare you the details� lets just say that of all the friends I have that are athletes, thespians and lawyers, none were as good at playing, acting and persuading as she.
Sound bitter? Yeah� so shoot me.
I�m mostly pissed at myself for allowing all this to happen. Looking back, I can forgive myself for the 1st time, even though I can�t understand why I thought she was the living version of my inner vision to begin with (amazing what time and distance does to your powers of observation). But to succumb the 2nd time is so unforgivable on my part. I�ll be beating myself up over this one for quite awhile� and every blow justified.
So� I�m trying to figure out how to be �me� again. And rest� I�m so looking forward to rest. And in that vein� let me try getting this damn journal back on track�
My dear friend Mythy asked if I was going to the local dungeon this Saturday for the play party. I�ve never been, and know so few people that I�ve been hesitant about simply showing up. But, with her there, coupled with the few others that I know, I figure I�ll be able to keep conversation going throughout the night. I just didn�t want to go and play voyeur / wallflower all night. And� with Mythy there, I�ll be better able to politely and gently deflect all the subbies requesting play time (I know what happens to �fresh meat� at a dungeon� there just aren�t all that many Dominants to go around, so someone new AND unattached is � shall we say� the curiosity of the moment?).
Actually, I�m here in California for like the next month. Next week I�m in Santa Ana, then back up her in Livermore for a full month. I really need to find someone local to at least have an occasional dinner with. Anyone out there?
Time to get to work� I�m sure I�ll be writing more soon.
t85225 at 8:17 a.m.
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