2006-04-22
I'm really damn tired
Well, I�m on a plane headed back to Phoenix. I�ve got some time to kill� the flight stops in Lost Wages, but only long enough to disgorge the revelers on board, and take on whatever is slinking out of town.
I�m strangely calm about this whole ordeal. (reader�s note: What ordeal you ask? It�s explained here in my Yahell 360 blog) I wasn�t calm the last time, at all. That one literally had me feeling like someone had kicked me in the stomach. This time, my heart was racing as I exited the security area, scanning the floor for her... but once I determined she wasn�t there, I knew exactly what was happening and a wave of acceptance pretty well drowned out all bewilderment, anger and hurt.
Maybe I�m calm about it this time because I�ve already been through this twice before with her, and it�s old hat? Nahh� Maybe I�m calm because the air pressure inside the cabin of the plane is a bit on the low side? Well, it might be a tad low, but I haven�t been drinking� and I need both to be in place to have either affect me. Rather� I think the real reason is because I�ve given in and will allow this to simply fade back into a friendship, if it can even do that.
It�s going to be tough even remaining friends � there was so much going on that I would label as outright disrespectful if anyone else had done the same. But� I really had (have? nooo, had� wait� have) strong feelings for her, and kept telling myself that these were issues to be dealt with later. I so much wanted this to work.
I have no doubt, that when all is said and done, I�ll see that my desire to make it work overwhelmed any rational thinking I might have flirted with during our brief �relationship� (quotes because� well� we never even met). That�s the only way I can explain why I rationalized such outlandish and, frankly, disrespectful actions so often� and for so long. And now I�m sitting here, re-reading what I just wrote and wondering� is that really my explanation� or rather, my excuse?
I�m going to bite the bullet here and say, out loud (so to speak) that I feel both ashamed and a fool for allowing myself to even contemplate allowing the relationship to develop at the pace it appeared to (obviously, it didn�t).
I was hoping saying that out loud would actually be cathartic.. help me feel better. It didn�t. Perhaps I�ll wallow in some self-pity� that�s always good for at least 4-5 minutes of feeling better.
I�m struggling to actually explain to myself why I allowed all this to happen. And all I can come up with is lame indeed. It�s something that many others go through all the time, and they don�t act like 15 year olds with testosterone oozing out of their ears. I was alone� and I�m tired of being alone.
While I�ve been separated from the ex for almost a full year now, that time has been remarkably LESS lonely than the preceding 10 or so years. But still� I�m damn tired of sharing my life only via the written word.
�
And at that point, my laptop battery died. Thankfully, it went quietly, without a lot of pleading for it�s life to be spared.
Since I�ve landed, I�ve tried again and again to contact Sheila� land-line, cell, email, IM, etc, etc� but to no avail. Think it�s time to sit back� and if she calls, take a moment to really consider before I answer.
I�m tired�
t85225 at 2:23 a.m.
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