2006-02-19
Domination... revisited
Dominance� after I re-posted a writing from My yahell 360 page on what Dominance is to Me, I read� and re-read� and re-read. It�s weak, and really doesn�t come close to capturing the essence of what Dominance is.
And now that I�ve realized that, I want to make amends by writing something with more basic truths, more subtle, yet more powerful. Which is turning out to be a whole lot easier to say than to do (and after finishing this, I see that it's likely no better than the original.. oh well).
Be aware� I�m speaking for Myself here, no one else. These are My thoughts, which are a result of many influences... things I�ve read, things I�ve heard other�s say, things I�ve experienced and things I�ve dreamed.
In short� to be sure, this will be a singularly unique description of Dominance, and not the �one and true� description� except as it applies to Me.
< clears throat� steps up on His soap-box >
Dominance in a single sentence: Dominance is the accepting and nurturing of submission that is freely given to Me. (why submission is so damn important to Me is, as so many things, fodder for another post)
There is so much in that sentence. And it�s been re-written numerous times during this writing. An extremely difficult concept to distill into a single thought, but that comes very, very close.
Accepting� In order for Me to accept submission, there must be an emotional bond. I hesitate to say that �love� must be felt between Uus both, although if you had asked Me a scant few months ago, I would have emphatically shouted �Yes it does!� I�ve since learned that love is a fickle and elusive creature, and not the panacea that I fantasized it was in the past (but wouldn�t it be wonderful if love was there!). That said� there does have to be a very strong emotional connection � a bond. I�ve scened� both online and in real life, and it leaves Me feeling empty (I suppose the worst of it is right after Wwe�ve parted ways at the conclusion of Oour time together� it always feels like there should be more, but there isn�t). It�s not the marks or the muffled sighs and cries nor even the control itself that fulfills Me. It�s the intimate emotional connection that is just so strong within D/s that I seek. So� accepting, for Me, can only happen when that is present. It�s not something I want to accept for a moment, but (dare I say it) for a lifetime. (note: I�ve been through 2 marriages that I thought, at the time of inception, were �for a lifetime�� so I harbor no illusions about how long a �lifetime� is� still, I�m not so cynical to think that it�s not a worthy goal)
Accepting� Accepting is also the shouldering of responsibilities. Now I�ve heard others argue that no one can be responsible for another, that each person must be responsible for themselves. True enough. But, I think we can all relate to feeling a responsibility for the care of another, be that a friend, a family member or a romantic partner. I bear the responsibility for the physical safety and well-being of Mine� be that in a BDSM context, or in life in general (i.e. Did you eat today? What? You ate only THAT?). I also feel it�s My responsibility to ensure she�s housed, clothed, etc� although I have no problem splitting the bills :p (think Maslow�s Hierarchy of Needs� if she doesn�t feel safe and secure in her physical surroundings, she won�t be able to take care of her own, nor My, emotional needs). I bear the responsibility for her emotional well-being, ensuring she knows that she is a person in her own right (if that is an issue), and that she is cherished for who and what she is. I bear the responsibility for ensuring that she is making the best possible choices in all aspects of life (family, business, etc). This is not her making MY choices, but Me being an objective sounding board for her to work with (and against, as the case may be!).
Nurturing� This is a harder concept to articulate, as for Me, it involves so many nuances of daily life. I suppose the �cop-out� way to express this is that I will do whatever is necessary to both make her commitment to Me grow even stronger, and to ensure that both Oour needs within the relationship are being met. So� how to do that?
Nurturing� As I mentioned when discussing being responsible for her emotional well-being, I strive to constantly let her know that I cherish her. I do this with words (I�m pleased� and asking if she is pleased), touch (sometimes as large as a twirl-her-around, off-her-feet bear hug when meeting at the airport� other times as small as a grazing hand against her back as I pass in the house), and actions (an unexpected gift, a kiss for no reason� in front of a sea of people :p ).
Nurturing� I express My Dominance. I do this by letting her know what pleases Me, and when she has pleased Me. I also let her know when she hasn�t pleased Me, even though it hurts Me to see her disappointment in learning that (some call this passing along of what pleases, what displeases, and shortcomings �training�� I call it �communication�� more people should try it). I make requests of her that allow My Dominance to remain with her (in subtle ways) even when Wwe are apart.
Nurturing� I strive to know, and to provide, what she wants and desires out of a relationship. I know that many feel that a good sub / slave will always only want whatever the Dom / Master desires� that their only needs are to please Him. Bullshit. As a person, everyone has their own wants, needs and desires. And in any relationship, be it D/s, vanilla, or something else� if all partner�s needs aren�t being met, and desires attended to in some fashion� the lacking partner will soon seek what is missing else where. That�s just human nature, and no amount of D/s is going to override that.
So� Dominance, in a nutshell, is accepting and nurturing submission freely given. Accepting requires an emotional attachment, and the bearing of responsibilities. Nurturing requires that she feel cherished, fulfilled, and Dominated.
< steps down off His soap box� takes a sip of water to sooth his parched throat after the lengthy, dogmatic speech that has surely put everyone but Himself fast to sleep >
I�m sure I�ve left vital parts out, but not on purpose. Some things I feel and yet don�t think to describe.. or maybe I don�t even consciously think of them at all.
As always, comments are encouraged (especially critical ones, as they make Me think and that often leads to growth� but be nice!).
Ahhh� after a re-reading, a quick (or not!) post script. I use the phrase �make requests of her�. That begs a comment, no?
I rarely �direct�, but rather �request�. Is there a difference? On the surface, no� I was raised to be polite, and it�s a part of what and who I am. I strive to be a gentleman� I open doors, I light cigarettes, I give up seats to those standing, I scold teenagers for cussing in public when little ears are around (or really old ones, for that matter). Being Dominant doesn�t preclude good manners and gentlemanly conduct� in fact, I think it requires it.
Direct vs. request� on a deeper level, there is a difference. A direction is assumed to be followed. No matter if you are a supervisor or manager, a parent, or a Dom / Master, a direction is given with the intention that it will be followed. There might be a thought when providing the direction as to what the ramifications will be for disobedience, but direction is rarely given with the thought that it might fail.
A request is different� it�s given with the option for it to be obliged, or not. Smiles� a constant choice to make, isn�t it? Does this mean I don�t expect My requests to be fulfilled? Not at all! (if only I was that easy, huh?) But, for Me, there is something so exquisite about having her submission reaffirmed each time she responds to a �request�. For Me, one of life�s simple pleasures :)
t85225 at 9:40 p.m.
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