2006-02-14
Life is good�
Not quite sure how to say what I�m feeling right now� so will simply let the words flow and after I�m done, see what resulted. Back to writing for myself for a bit�
It�s great talking with joey again. I�ve tried to figure out the proper analogy for it, but nothing quite expressed just how natural it feels. And yet� I�m not convinced that �Wwe� is where I will end up. There are so many issues that need to be addressed first.
A blog I read regularly (do I call them friends if we simply read / comment on each other�s blogs?) spoke the other day about how as we age, there needs to be more to a satisfying relationship than great sex (i.e. a strong intimacy component). She is to the point that she�s willing to sacrifice other desires (i.e. looks, etc) in order to ensure that need gets fulfilled. I responded that as she gets yet older (like as old as I am� damn, when did I get so old?), she�ll find that her needs are even more defined� and at that point you aren�t willing to sacrifice any desires. You know what you want, and basically, will continue to search until it�s found (or� remain alone).
And that�s the dilemma that I�m facing. Since joey and I were first together, I�ve grown� in both a personal sense, and within the lifestyle, have further refined what I�m looking for� what will fulfill Me. And I just don�t know at this point if joey, love her as I do, can meet these new requirements I have for a long-term, 24/7 relationship.
Its not just Me that has these questions. joey, rightfully so, is about to embark on her own journey of self-discovery. I�ll be a friend to her while she journeys, perhaps even a travel guide. I will certainly greet her as she arrives at her destination. I just don�t know which part of the reception line I�ll be in� against the wall smiling as people pass, or one of the crowd filing by the hosts and hostesses.
I�ve managed to really analyze My personal desires, and to form a picture of what I want. This picture isn�t so much a physical portrait (although we all have our preferences), but an emotional portrait� who I want her to be, what she�ll be inside. It�s her attitude, emotional availability, communication, temperament, tolerance, humor, empathy, fragility, need for Me that I�ve developed a model of. In short� I know what her submission looks like.
And that�s what it all boils down to� submission. I laugh at Myself when I think back just a short few years ago and I couldn�t even speak the word �slave� without a large serving of revulsion creeping into the forefront of My thoughts. Now� that�s exactly what I want, to be Master to a slave.
As anyone familiar with the lifestyle will attest to� there is no hard and fast definition of a slave, or a Master. While My definitions of both are fodder for another post (can�t make this post a manifesto, after all), I will quickly point out that My definitions center around the level of submission offered by her, not My total control over her. It�s not the control itself I crave. Rather, the control allows Me to channel and focus what it is I do crave� her desire to give to Me all that she is. Huh� not a very clear explanation, but maybe a few understand what I�m trying to say.
So� I am thoroughly enjoying reconnecting with joey, yet am strangly comfortable not knowing where that will lead to. Its an eerie calm� perhaps one that most people take for granted, but one that I�m just learning to enjoy.
t85225 at 11:00 p.m.
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