2006-02-08
omg omg omg�
And another omg, just for good measure�
Got a call out of the blue today� well, not exactly the blue, as I had exchange a wayward email or two with her over the last week� but really didn�t expect it to lead to renewed contact.
joey called� and as much as I would have sworn it wouldn�t, my heart sang out loud. And it started singing the instant I saw who was calling on the caller ID.
I read back to some of the words I�ve written in this journal, concerning how I felt when we (she, really) called it quits. I was hurt, angry, mystified. That gradually moved to acceptance, then a whole lot of self-analysis. In the end� I saw the whole relationship via colored glasses (what color, I have no idea). But the tint those glasses provided allowed me to move on, and not be bitter.
The tint also allowed me to continue to love her�
When she called today, I was in total shock. My jaw dropped� the co-worker I was sitting with at lunch immediately knew something was up, as he had that �wtf?� look on his face as I excused myself and left the table.
We spoke for 10 minutes or so� and then spoke for a minute later in the day. I called tonight and we spoke for another 20 minutes (which seemed like 20 seconds� damn I�ve missed talking to her).
To make a long story short, here�s why she called: While she decided that we both made a mistake last time in starting a relationship when she hadn�t cut ties to her present one� it was a bigger mistake to leave ours and return to her former. It�s turned into a really bad situation, and she is leaving that� again. But, this time I won�t be involved.
Good� that�s how it should have been the first time. She needs to leave for her reasons, not mine� nor for me. It has to be the right thing, with no thought as to what the future may hold except that the future will be better not being with him (if that is indeed the case).
I�m on top of the world to think that she�ll possibly be free soon. I have no idea if we can actually pick up where we left off, or even if we should. But, I�m sitting here with flushed cheeks, and know that if she called in a month and said �i left him two weeks ago� it�s over�� I�d be on a plane so fast that the ink in the ticket wouldn�t dry before I was boarding.
That�s how I feel inside. Now comes the hard part� deciding if that�s the right thing or not. I followed my heart last time, and got royally burned in the process. My head is telling me� �are you crazy???�.
Oh� but my heart is certainly saying something quite, quite different.
Think it�s time to re-enter self-analysis mode, and do some serious soul-searching. I suppose it�s time to take those tinted glasses off and see what was really going on the last time we were together. Thank god this all didn�t happen last week when I didn�t have time to wipe my nose, much less deal with life.
t85225 at 7:57 p.m.
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