2006-01-17
Yeah, I do feel better...
Sigh� well, it appears I can�t wait until next week to start the self-analysis again. I�m starting to think this desire to look inward and pick myself apart is hormonal in some way? It seems to grow strong, then ebbs, then returns. Forget the hormones� maybe its tidal influences.
And for some reason, this writing isn�t going well. I�ve deleted a full page quite a few times and started over. That tells me that I have no idea what thoughts are important, or at least paramount, or what I should do about any of them. For sure, if I had an answer to any of my perceived problems, I�d tackle that one first.
Two full paragraphs� and not a word about what these issues are. Nice� denial at its finest.
Ok, entering into stream of thought mode, so don�t count on anything coherent. I think I just need to see all this crap in writing to even start to make sense of it.
On one hand, I feel like I�m about to slip into old habits again, and they aren�t good ones:
- when I meet someone that I like, and she shows an interest in me as well, I want to dive right in and get way too serious, way too fast (according to �the Book�, this is a result of my overwhelming [to the point of unhealthy] desire for acceptance)
- I find myself attracted to someone I have no chance in hell of ever developing a relationship with, even though it appears that she may be developing an interest in me as well� the obstacles are just too formidable (again, according to �the Book�, this is a manifestation of my penchant for entering into relationships that I know are doomed� I�m still unclear as to why I would do this, but my track record does help support this hypothesis)
On the other hand, I am starting to question �the Book�� well, not really, but I am starting to realize that my reaction to it may have been a bit overzealous:
- of course I want to be with someone, who doesn�t? It�s rather natural to not want to be alone and to share your life with someone� isn�t it? I went to see a movie the other night, the first one I would have been to in years� and decided I couldn�t. How lame is that, to go to a movie alone?
- The attraction I feel toward someone cannot be turned off and on like a light switch. If I feel it, then that�s it. I really need to quit beating myself up over that. Now, perusing every woman I feel an attraction for isn�t the answer, for sure, but who knows where anything will ever lead? Not only do I need to just let my feelings flow as they will, but if there is any chance that something might work out, why not explore?
Balance� that�s what I need to work on now. My life has been full of extremes, and now I need balance. A hell of a thing to not learn until you�re almost 50.
Since I don�t want to blame myself for any of this� I�ll blame my job. It has me on the road, in hotels, 5-6 nights a week, every week. I have absolutely no time to develop a circle of friends, nor time at home to exercise any friendship that I might develop. I�m relegated to online chat and lately, immersing myself in other�s lives via journals and blogs. How the hell am I suppose to build a life like this?
It�s not my fault� I feel so much better.
t85225 at 2:06 p.m.
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