2006-01-07
a 'poor Me' post... good thing this doesn't happen too often
I had posted this HUGE post� but deleted it. First time I�ve ever done that� and will lead to some serious soul searching. I guess I�m finally getting to the point where there are some things I just don�t want to share because they make Me look� silly? Stupid? Human?
So� to replace that deleted post� I�ll simply give the highlights without all the gory details.
I�m apparently still struggling with My penchant for craving acceptance. I don�t like this� at all. �The book� explains, in a way, why I�m apparently like this. Great, so I know a possible reason� but it�s got to stop. It�s interfering with what I want� and worse, interfering with getting what I want.
So� from this point forward, I stop. But how?
Well, for one thing� and this is weird, cause I don�t know if this is a symptom, cause, result, completely unrelated� or what (damn� a major part of the problem here is that I just don�t know�), I�m going to quit being the one to initiate contact with others. There are times I feel like I�m coming across as needy when I do that, and that I hate. So� right or wrong, I�m going to stop. If someone wants to talk, they will. Otherwise� I�ll sit here and vegetate� and feel like shit because I�m so fucking lonely.
Omg, I never talk like this� �poor Me� shit. Screw it� that�s how I feel at the moment.
This all culminated because I met someone just a few short weeks ago� and she is so damn wonderful. And, being Me, I started coming on a bit strong, I think. Too many text messages, too many off-line IMs, too many emails, too many phone calls. I look like I�m approaching her from a position of weakness, rather than strength. I hate, hate, hate that, and am going to stop� damn it all.
I don�t know how long this will take� don�t know how strong I�ll be in doing this (how long will I last before I revert back to initiating contact?). Don�t know exactly how shitty I�m going to feel (but just writing this feels bad� its hard to imagine 24 hours from now).
Yeah, it�s going to be rough, and I�ll feel like shit for quite awhile, but it�s something I feel I have to do. I�ve got to get this acceptance crap taken care of� somehow.
t85225 at 12:46 p.m.
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