2005-11-13
Who I am - part 1
What�s a journal without a brief biography.
I�m a 47 year old male who identifies as a Dominant within the D/s lifestyle (links). One of the �online� protocols within the D/s lifestyle is the seeming odd use of capitalization � upper case when referring to a Dominant, lower case when referring to a submissive. When referring to a mixed assemblage, both are used. So� that explains why you see the pronoun �my� as �My�, and �we� and �Wwe� or �W/we�. I have My own thoughts on protocol, both online and in real life, and will no doubt cover that in a future writing.
At present, I�m separated and once I can afford a decent lawyer, will finally file for divorce. I�ve got a 15 year old son Sean living with his mom in the house I still support financially (in total� I provide My ex�s only means of support). Hence My inability to run out and get a lawyer. Oh, I suppose I could get �a� lawyer and file, but with so much at stake (properties, future retirement, alimony, etc), I don�t want to settle. I want someone who knows what they are doing and is willing to ensure I don�t get screwed financially and lose access to My son (although at 15, that�s unlikely� he is old enough to think for himself). Both things happened in My last divorce, and it won�t happen again.
Me�
I�m loyal, to a fault. According to a book I read called �Adult Children of Alcoholics�, that�s a common trait for� well, adult children of alcoholics (My dad ended up pretty bad). Read the book to understand why.
I fall in love very easily. I haven�t ever figured this one out� the whys of it anyway� but acknowledge and accept it as a part of who I am. I�m sure that a psychologist could explain it all, and how bad it is for Me and those I interact with. At times, it�s wonderful� and at other times it sucks. One thing I will say� when you place the joy and the sorrow this trait causes in the scales, the joys always seem to weigh more than the sorrows, so I don�t try to fight it. However, I am finding that I�m no longer releasing My feeling with the abandon I did when I was younger. I don�t know if that�s simply a byproduct of maturity, self defense (that scale is starting to level out), or a combination of both. I actually kind of miss the wild abandon. A bit of on-the-fly self analysis� I�ve been asked if I simply love the feeling of falling in love. Well, sure I do! Who doesn�t love that feeling? But that doesn�t explain it all, by a long shot. I think it�s a combination of that, and this overwhelming desire I have for intimacy. I so crave intimacy, and thrive on it. Actually, this craving for intimacy probably drives much of who I am. It would explain why I make acquaintances so easily (searching the chaff for the kernel of wheat). And I say acquaintances instead of friends for a reason. I have very few friends. A friend is someone I will invest time and emotional energy on even though it�s not necessarily returned. An acquaintance isn�t like that. If Yyou are My friend, I will do anything for Yyou, and ask/expect nothing in return.
OK, another think to get used to� I tend to ramble and go off on tangents. Deal with it� I�ve learned to.
I�m intelligent, but not necessarily smart. I am the world�s worst speller (hence doing this in Word which has the spell-checker that I live and die with). I coasted through high school, deciding that was a place to party rather than prepare for the rest of My life, and I pay the price for that daily. I�ve taken some college courses, but life has always found ways of preventing Me from taking that seriously (usually financial concerns). I know a little about a lot, but not a lot about any one thing. I get by. I�m inquisitive, and will listen to someone explain the intricacies of a machine they run in the manufacturing plant they work in with just as much relish as listening to the neurosurgeon explain the latest findings of brain chemistry and its potential applications.
I procrastinate. I actually enjoy it� I think. That isn�t something I have to decide today�
I organize thoughts and feelings well� but if it has substance, I�m lost. My desk is a mess, and a constant battle to make it appear as anything other than a wasteland of papers. I cannot tell you how many hours I�ve spent looking at My garage and telling Myself that I need to arrange it better� and just don�t see how all the stuff should be placed. It just doesn�t click inside My head. Oh well� (I need a subbie!)
I love to laugh, and think I�m somewhat successful at being humorous. Certainly, some don�t get My humor, and that�s OK. I tend to be mildly sarcastic which I suppose can get old.
I love and appreciate art in all forms. But I don�t invest much time in it, which one day I�d love to change. In music, I love blues and classic rock (which is mostly based on the blues). About the only form of music I really have a problem appreciating is opera� and I think that�s because I have a hard time hearing it. I cannot make out the words (yeah, I know its in Italian� but still), and actually hate the warble that seems to define an operatic voice. I can spend literally hour after hour in a museum� any museum. My favorite so far� the British Museum. I love to read, and am currently trying to become more well-read in classic literature (some of which I should have read in high school, had I been participating).
While I was growing up, I really didn�t like the way I looked, physically. When young, I was super-thin, and with My 6�3� frame looked like a scare crow. I had no fashion sense whatsoever, and My hair was unruly. My teeth are not straight, nor naturally pearly white, and that always concerned Me (still does to some extent). But, a wonderful thing happened when I was 40� I almost died. I had a �spontaneous pneumothorax� (a sudden collapse of the lung), and after recovering from that (2 weeks in the hospital, 2 days in post-surgery ICU), I looked at life quite differently. Ya know what? Its short. And Wwe don�t even know how short. So� I decided that since time is something Wwe just don�t know how much Wwe have, I would try to live as if it was the last day I had. That doesn�t mean I try to cram as much experience in as I can� but I do savor the ones that come My way. And in order to do that, I had to abandon those things that held back My ability to appreciate what was around Me. One of those things was My insecurities about My physical appearance (and My questioning of worth, etc� basically a low self-esteem). So, one day I just decided that those useless feelings just wouldn�t interfere with My life anymore� and for the most part, they haven�t. Letting go of all that has been a turning point for Me. While I cannot say that I just don�t care what Oothers think of Me, I certainly don�t let that dictate if I�m happy.
Smiles� I just ran out of steam. While there are more things to say� even more subjects that help define who I am, this is a good start and a basis for maybe understanding all that follows. Maybe eventually I�ll get around to telling some stories�
t85225 at 4:43 p.m.
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