2005-12-30
Contemplating the why's of not searching
It�s finally FRIDAY� which means that at some point this afternoon / evening, I�ll be on a plane headed for Phoenix. Wooohooo! Sorta� While I am looking forward to getting out of a hotel room for a few days, I just wish I had someone there to interact with besides the Starbucks Baristas. Smiles� maybe I�ll get lucky and Sean (My 15yo son) will manage to make time in his busy schedule this weekend. Imagine that� a 15yo who�s priority is NOT spending time with their parent!
I�ve been thinking about �the book� all week. Wish I had taken it with Me, but to be honest, I�m not even sure where I packed it when I moved. Some unconscious thought process there to keep it hidden away? Not out of the realm of possibilities, but unlikely I think.
What I have been thinking about specifically is how, in the past (lol � the past � like as little as 4 weeks ago?), being �without� someone would have driven Me into �the search� for someone to love, be loved by, etc. It�s different now� and it�s the �why� of it that has Me contemplating what is going on inside My wee little head and heart. And with contemplation, I�ve developed two working hypothesis for reasons that I don�t feel this overwhelming urge to seek out someone.
One (and the one I like the best, but also the one that I�m less sure about) is that I�m actually experiencing some personal growth and learning (albeit slowly) that My past actions were not healthy (even harmful). Nice thought, huh? Wouldn�t it be grand if I read though the book once, discussed it with someone (speaking of which� where DID she go?), and it all sunk in� just like that? lol� what a nice, neat package. Somehow, while there may be a glimmer of validity here, I don�t think this is necessarily what is happening.
Two (and this is the more probable explanation) is that I�m simply hurt and therefore leery of getting hurt again. For some reason, I hate the way that sounds. I don�t like to think of Myself as susceptible to that kind of hurt, I guess. Or, more to the point, I want to think that I�m somehow above letting the hurt affect Me like that (which is a really dumb way of looking at it, I know� just being honest here).
As much as I�d like to think that this is all a result of Me growing and learning� I think its as much the hurt as anything. Either way, I do have to admit that the end result� Me not searching� is a damn good thing. For Me� and others.
t85225 at 9:55 a.m.
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