2006-01-01
looking back... and ahead
OK... 2006, the start of a new year, and ...
No resolutions here, I don't need yet another list of things I won't get around to completing. But, some reflections on where I've been this last year, and some thoughts on where I'm headed.
This last year was both brutal, and liberating. For so long, I craved a change. 2005 (latter half of 2004 actually) saw Me not only in a new house, in a new city, but starting a new business as well. And that was brutal.
I was bound and determined to not be yet another Statistic... you know the one, where some percentage (a huge one at that) of new businesses fail within the 1st few years. The number one reason for failure? Inadequate capitalization. I had planned... thought it through... and was set. What I didn't plan on was the "oh I support you" words from family that were followed by actions that didn't match the words at all. A refusal to face the financial realities of a start-up company by My ex lead Me from working the business full time, to work the business AND a plant job full time (in an effort to make the capital I had stretch farther), to finally deciding that I was literally killing Myself at 80-100 hours per week and something had to go. I could write a book about this... but won't. It was the most difficult decision I ever made, to finally give up the business (and the associated dreams) and re-enter the corporate world.
But... everything has a silver lining, right? Sort of. Mostly. This did... and didn't.
In conjunction with the decision to re-enter corporate life was the completely unexpected break up of My marriage. While I knew for a log time... years in fact, that the marriage wasn't one for a lifetime (for numerous reasons... another book... still searching for a publisher :p ), I wasn't ready for it to end at this point. My son was still in high school, and I had envisioned him being out on his own when the breakup finally happened. Ahh, the best laid plans of mice and men.
So... the breakup was a huge shock... but also liberating. For the first time in years, I feel as I can be Myself.
Myself... a strange concept, actually. I am finding that I need to discover who that is. Some of the things I've learned so far, I don't particularly like. Other parts of Me have been hidden and repressed for so long, it's taking time to get them to resurface and be in the forefront.
That's 2005, in a nutshell. Now, 2006...
This coming week, emails go out to lawyers in town, in an effort to find the one that will be willing to be interviewed on a Saturday (the only day I can count on being in town) and then work mostly via email / phone. It's time to get the divorce started in earnest, which really means get the financial side addressed. The emotions have calmed down (it helps that we rarely speak... thank god Sean has his own cell phone), and while the financials will cause no end of grief (and more emotional turmoil), it has got to be faced. I'm sure I'll come out much better than I presently am, as I'm still supporting the household completely, as well as muddling though an existence for Myself. I cannot imagine paying her more than I presently am, but who knows... maybe I'm in for a rude shock. No matter... its time to get it going.
What else... hmmm... well, I could say that I'm going to give up smoking this year (and probably will... but if / when that happens, it happens), and can with some degree of confidence say that I'll return to some type of healthier lifestyle (already cutting back on the burgers) and really find Myself wanting to re-start weight training. I've lost I figure 20 pounds this last year, and am feeling better physically than I have in ages. It would be nice to build on that.
This year...
I want to rediscover music... it had been out of My life for so long, and used to really define it.
I want to conquer this feeling that I need a relationship... I want to be happy just being alone.
I want to find the "one"... with seems to contradict the statement above, but doesn't. A huge difference, "needing" and "finding". At least to Me.
I want to read more.
I want to write more. I want to find the voice inside that I know is there, and that Oothers will hear and say "wow..." (OK, a bit of ego... so shoot Me).
I want to find somewhere to call "home"... At times, I dream of returning to New Orleans and helping to re-define the city, but if I'm honest with Myself, that won't give Me the peace I desire. What I would really like is a small house in the middle of the woods, at the base of a mountain. Oh... and maybe a lake? Pond? So, anyone know of such a place, within an hour or so of an airport that has at least passable flights in and out (I still have to make a living), let Me know.
I want ... lol, this list can go on and on...
I want to learn how to say what I want to say.. and not be so verbose :)
t85225 at 11:39 p.m.
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