2005-12-18
To blame, or not to blame...
Wow� where to start.
First, mundane �life� stuff. Not sure why I�m writing it here, except that this IS a journal. That�s the best (and only) explanation I can give. The weighty stuff will follow.
Finally back in Phoenix, and its SO damn nice to step outside without getting bundled up. It would be even better being back in Phoenix if My luggage had accompanied Me. Air Canada� avoid them at ALL costs. They somehow managed to exorcise the term �customer service� from their training manuals (and their dictionaries?). According to the American West reps in Toronto, the bags do usually show up, but often a week later. How on earth can bags that that I know made it to Toronto end up getting lost for a week? I thought they were exaggerating. Seems they weren�t.
Some upbeat news� I�m moving next Friday. I love Star (My present roomie) to death, but this weekend is a perfect example of why I�m so ready to leave. When I arrived home Monday night, Star and her brood (a 4yo and a 6 month pup / horse genetic aberration), along with her friend Mary and her brood (an 8yo and a 12 yo) were busy setting up a terrarium for turtles they had just bought. Sweet, huh? You know, I raised My kids, and even helped with My ex�s� I�m ready for grandkids at most (and I would have sent them home to Mom and Dad by that time at night), not a houseful of little ones. Hell, when I woke this morning, there was another one there� I have no idea who he belongs to. The house is small as it is. I gotta get outta there.
Damn, there I am complaining again.. back to the good news. I found a room to rent with a single guy who just bought the house. Apparently, that�s how he plans on affording the mortgage, having a roommate. He must be in his early 30s or so? I suspect that he�s over here on a work visa (from India I think� or Pakistan? Somewhere on the India sub-continent), as he graduated from ASU last year and is working his first job. Good for him� someone with ambition. He�s moving in today, the house is no more than 4-5 years old and looks to be about 2000 sq ft� almost twice the size of where I�m at now. Wooohooo� space! And quiet, to boot!
So, now to the weighty stuff�
Yesterday, I couldn�t find �the� book, so went and picked up another copy. And read it this time. In a way, I�m glad I didn�t read it earlier. I know I would have dismissed most of it as �not applicable�, and therefore dismissed the rest. Reading it now, I�m at a place where I�m able to look at Myself with a more objective eye. LOL, I almost said �critical�, and would have meant it in a negative way. That�s one of the things that the book points out, that I�m likely way too hard on Myself, and in some ways I think its right. The �critical� above is a case in point.
In thinking about the book and its message, and without delving into a point-by-point analysis (yet� that�s for later posts), I have to say that it�s given Me lots and lots to contemplate. There are things that it points out as �typical� for anyone that has grown up in a family wracked (and defined, actually) by alcoholism. Some of the things it mentions I can look back and see that �yeah, that WAS Me�, but over the years I�ve managed to see the damage and hardship that caused Me and have developed coping techniques, or in some cases, modified My behaviors so that they are no longer (or less of) an issue. I think that more than likely, anyone who reaches My age and is fairly successful in life must do the same. Its hard for Me to imagine surviving otherwise (but apparently some do, according to the book. I guess Wwe all choose our own hell to live in�).
Of all the things that the book lists as �typical� feelings and behaviors for ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics� damn� Wwe even have our own acronym, not sure how I feel about that!), there is one that seems to stand out for Me. I�m not sure if it�s because I feel like I�ve already worked through it to completion (reading the book has made Me consider that maybe I haven�t), or its that I somehow feel it�s the easiest to tackle. No matter what the reasoning, its what I have chosen to work on� and that�s the �Blame Thyself� game I play all the time.
I thought I had worked through this issue a few years ago, without actually knowing what the issue was. Now, I think its possible all I did was address one of the more apparent manifestations of it, one that everyone could see (and boy, did it effect everyone!). There was a time, just a few short years ago (5, 6� something like that) that I would get VERY defensive anytime a less-than-glowing statement was made either about Me personally (i.e. you didn�t respond to my email soon enough) or any project I was responsible for (i.e. the client is unhappy). It didn�t matter if the comment was meant to convey true disappointment with My work or not (and it often didn�t, was just a statement of fact), but I would immediately go into a defensive posture. I would take the stance that whatever happened was My fault, and they somehow knew it and were commenting on it. Thank g-d I had a friend, who was the closest thing to a mentor I�ve ever had, finally take Me to the side and lay it out to Me� ease up, you�re over-reacting. He even taught Me a little trick� take 3 breaths before answering ANYONE, and that did the trick. It allowed Me to quell the impulsive response that was always at the forefront and actually contemplate what was said, the context, etc. It saved My professional life.
So, until yesterday, I thought this was just an isolated thing� and completely behind Me. But, damn that book (tongue firmly in cheek), now I don�t think so. And, addressing this issue again (its My fault) was required before I could really allow the points the book was making to have an impact. I think that one of the reasons I never completed the book before was that I was trying to �place blame� for all that it was telling Me about� firmly on My shoulders, and hell, I didn�t want to take the blame! Now I realize that its not about blame, but about �how it is�. Its not a �your parents were bad� or a �your bad� type of thing... it just is as it is, and if you recognize it you�ll be better prepared to deal with it. Sounds simple� but its not for Me. Not at all. OMG, not at all. It really takes a leap of faith on My part to even contemplate it, much less believe it. LOL, not sure I really do believe it yet, but see the wisdom in doing so.
So� this is the 1st thing I�m going to tackle� that it�s NOT My fault. And, in thinking about this, it�s had a very weird and unexpected side to it. Because I tend to blame Myself, I also go to the other extreme and tend to make excuses for others. You will ALWAYS see Me playing devil�s advocate and trying to provide excuses for those I don�t even know. With those that I do know, its even more extreme� I�ll defend the most atrocious behavior, because� well, I�m not sure why. That will require additional thought, and I�m sure a post or two. But that is also part of this I think, being able to objectively and fairly identify when someone else�s actions are not right and therefore not worthy of My defense. That�s going to be a tough one, as that means that I�m risking their acceptance (and that in itself is going to cover a post or two).
Enough for now�
t85225 at 12:38 p.m.
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