2005-12-11
At the airport
Once again, sitting in an airport (imagine that!). This time, nothing specifically compels Me to write (no crisis, not peeve, no overwhelming joy), so will simply blabber away and ramble (possibly all over the damn place).
The Xmas party last night was OK, and while the venue was nice, it was way too small for the number of people there. Close quarters is great when it�s pre-dinner and everyone is drinking and chatting. It forces the wall flowers to actually look people in the eye� or chin, or chest, depending on the relative heights. But� you shouldn�t have to walk with your plate up to the 3rd floor to find a place to eat. The 3rd floor was the designated smoking area, so many ended up on the 2nd floor, literally. They sat cross-legged on the floor. What were they thinking when they booked this place? Or� did we have a gazillion people crashing?
I was talking last night with one of the few people I consider a dear friend. We worked together previously at a different company, and were both �black sheep� there, so have always felt like we were both swimming upstream together. Anyway, over the course of conversation and reminiscing over a few drinks before the party, she states that she�s been celibate for 2 years. No, didn�t just state it� proclaimed it, with pride. 2 YEARS? Omg! I had to tell her� if you�re a priest, or following a religious vow, that�s really something to boast about. But otherwise, lighten up and live! Of course, being Me (although I try not to be Me, in the Dom sense, around many of My vanilla friends), I couldn�t help but� try to help. No� get your mind outta the gutter, I mean by talking. After entering counselor mode and chatting a bit further, I finally got her to admit that she�s so gun shy after giving her heart and loosing it (divorced about 18 months now), she hasn�t been able to allow herself to re-enter another relationship.
We spoke a bit about intimacy, and how that�s what is really missing from one�s life when not in a relationship, and we both ended on an up-tempo note. I think she really appreciated the talk, as this morning when we said our respective goodbyes after sharing a cab to the airport, it was easy to see the bond was stronger.
But of course, the whole thing has Me thinking (yes friend d, entering the �Analytical Zone�). Why is it that some people seem to guard their hearts so carefully (like her), and others seem to open it so readily over and over, no matter what the consequences (like Me). Is there a benefit to either approach? Is that inclination to do one or the other something that can really be cultivated, or changed within Uus by simply deciding to do so? Is one approach right and the other one wrong?
I wrote earlier that I won�t be entering into any relationship until I get Myself back in order. But that�s different than actually avoiding a relationship in order to guard your heart. I simply want to make better choices next time, and to do that I need to have greater control over Myself. But the desire to re-enter a relationship still exists, and while its not burning at the moment, I have no doubt it will within a few weeks. Good or bad, right or wrong� I know Myself that much to know it will happen. The difference is that this time I won�t� at least for awhile. If something comes along that seems right� it�ll wait. If it really is right, it will still be right later.
But back to the question� why guard the heart or not? On a logical level, I can understand guarding Yyourself from potential hurt, and waiting until all signs are just overwhelming before committing the heart to a relationship. However, no matter how much I try, I simply cannot FEEL how that is right.
I�m sitting on a plane now and writing, so maybe it�s the lower air pressure, but just had a mini-epiphany. Or insight. Or LSD flashback, not sure which. Anyway, I�m thinking I probably don�t guard My heart like some others do because when growing up as a kid, I had to make / break relationships with relative ease in order to have any relationship. Not, I�m not saying this to garner any sympathy, as overall, I always had those around Me that cared. But it was different than most, for sure. Dad was a heavy alcoholic, and provided no physical / emotional support whatsoever, only took from others. Mom was loving, but in her own way. She wasn�t exactly cold-hearted, but certainly not a warm person. Her idea of love was to provide Me with the tools I needed to survive on My own, and that she did. But without the emotional warmth, and the intimacy that comes from being in a more normal family environment, I found that I had to foster that for Myself outside the home. My teachers were the most common and easiest, but they changed every year. My friends parents were not available, as I was from �that� family and My presence was tolerated because I was polite. So� I had to start / stop relationships as I found them. At least that�s My present interpretation of why open so readily. I�m sure a psychologist would point out the fallacies in this, but until then, its My working hypothesis.
So� is opening My heart so readily a bad thing, or should I guard it more? I�m not sure yet, but My gut feeling is that its OK to keep it open, as long as the hurt can be handled, and I do seem to handle that pretty well. For sure, an open heart does allow Me to touch many more people on a deeper level than if it was guarded, and how can that be bad? They don�t all lead to relationships, nor should they, but oh My, it does enrich My life. I simply cannot fathom a life where I only touched a selected handful of lives� I want to touch and be touched by Aall. For Me, that�s what makes life the beautiful thing it is.
t85225 at 11:22 a.m.
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