2006-04-03
Yeah... it feels good to write again
It�s been forever since I wrote regularly. And I miss it. My schedule has been hectic lately, but as I write that statement, I know that it�s only an excuse. If I wanted to make time, I would. So� why haven�t I? That I haven�t quite figured out, but it seems I have lots of �stuff� bottled up, so be prepared for a rambling post.
For the last 2-3 months, I was speaking with one that I found fascinating. She was fresh, articulate, smart, accomplished in her professions, and wonderfully submissive.
But� as much as I wanted her to be �the one�� she wasn�t. When I told her this, her reaction was �what is wrong with me that you don�t want me?�. It wasn�t that something was wrong with her, but she simply wasn�t �the one�. I did my best to explain that even I don�t know what makes the heart �turn on� and fall in love, and why at other times, it simply doesn�t. Needless to say, that explanation was far from satisfactory for her� and I certainly understand why. We humans want certainties, and on an emotional level, operate much better when everything is black and white with no gray areas. And my answer was anything but black and white.
I know what I need in a relationship� namely, to be needed, and to feel confidant that my �needing� of the one I�m involved with is also accepted. Accepted is probably too mild a word� I need the reliance on one another to be fairly complete, as well as complimentary. Not a co-dependency, but an ache for each other. An ache that drives one to speak to each other at every opportunity, to share each others joys and fears, to always put the other �first� before themselves.
I understand that not everyone is like this. A friend who reads this is probably shaking her head, muttering something about �inappropriate setting of boundaries� or something similar. I�m sure that this need of mine is rooted in experiences from a child growing up in an alcoholic family setting� it�s a long, boring story. And when speaking with this one that �wasn�t the one�� I even commented to her that I felt like our relationship was the first one I felt like was �normal�. The problem being� it was normal for everyone else, and unfulfilling for me. For me, it was anything but normal, and left me wanting.
She asked� �isn�t it the Master�s responsibility to mold the slave to his liking?�. Her implied question was �why didn�t you simply make me the way you wanted me?�. But� while I can train a person to recognize my likes and desires, I cannot change the fundamental person inside� and how they �are� in a relationship. If that makes me less of a Dom, then so be it. I won�t change the fundamental �who I am� for anyone else, nor should they change for me (or anyone, for that matter). Habits and limits can be changed. A list of pleasures can be taught. Who we are inside, and how we react at a fundamental level to the ones we love cannot.
It pains me to hurt anyone, much less someone I am (notice the present tense� not past) so, so fond of. And I know my words hurt her. Without a doubt, it was a very difficult talk� but necessary. While it�s sad to say, my time is limited. I�m not a youngster who has their whole life ahead of them, and I so want to find �the one� to share my life with. As cold as it sounds, I needed to start my search anew� and will not string her, and her heart, along when I know that I am looking for something else.
So� I�m writing this (so far) in the Reno airport, waiting on my flight to wonderful, scenic Newark, NJ. OMG, this is going to be an awful day of travel. I change planes in Phoenix (how ironic is that? I tried to get a few hours of layover so I could run out an check my mail� but no go), and only have 30 minutes between flights, so that will be a major rush. I hate that� I like to take my time. To make it worse, I may not have time to grab a smoke. 7 hours without a cigarette may not sound like the horror that it really is, and may even sound good to some of you (yeah, yeah� I know, I should quit), but believe me, I�m going to be SO antsy by the time I land in Newark that I�ll be ready to chew railroad spikes. Addictions are terrible.
The weekend was � less than hoped for. As I said in my previous post, I was supposed to meet someone here for the weekend, and the weather gods intervened. Oh well. I broke even at the tables, paid for my room with �frequent stayer� points, so except for the fact that I didn�t walk away with the casino�s money in my pocket (I usually do� no, really!), it wasn�t TOO bad. At one point, I was up a bit� but woke way too early this morning, got bored and had a bad streak� gave it all back. I usually win overall, so this is actually unusual for me to not walk away with at least SOME of their money. Oh well� I�ll get them next time.
And now, here it is Monday morning in Newark. I managed to survive the trip, although my 30 minute layover turned out to be a scant 15. I have no idea how my bags kept up with me� but they did. Perhaps this means that I need to run out a buy a lottery ticket� my luck is running pretty good.
I must say a quick few words about who I intended to meet in Reno. Sheila is her name, and while we haven�t been speaking very long, there is definitely a connection there that is� unique. And while she lacks the ability to skirt CHP roadblocks at mountain passes closed due to snow, her wit and charm certainly make up for this glaring deficit. Personally, I don�t see why police closure of roads, or the maneuverability of a �95 sedan through 4� of unplowed snow on the roads should prevent anyone from meeting someone as wonderful as moi� but then, not everyone had the extraordinary driving ability that I possess� nor the modesty (or imagination� which is the key to a good self-image!).
Time to get this posted� damn it felt good to write.
t85225 at 4:32 a.m.
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