2006-02-11
I'm a rectal orifice...
I thought I felt like an asshole before� apparently, I had no idea what being an asshole really felt like, but now I do. It�s much more intense that I had any idea it would.
I had a discussion today with the one I�ve been speaking to over the last month and a half. I knew that communications between us wasn�t what I had desired, but I didn�t know how much we weren�t communicating.
Today she told me that she loved me� and I couldn�t reply in kind� I couldn�t tell her that I loved her. I don�t care who it is� that situation sucks! I had no idea she felt that way� sure, we liked each other.. a lot! And had even discussed meeting in the not-to-distant future. But today I discovered that she is further down the relationship path than I am, and as much as I wish it wasn�t that way� it is.
For that, I feel bad� even though logically I know it�s not something I can control. You can�t simply �decide� that you love someone. It�s something that is either �love at first sight� (which, I�ve learned through hard experience usually isn�t love), or it builds. In our case, it built quickly for her, and not for me.
Which has me totally confused as to what I should be feeling. I�ve had issues in the past with unrealistic expectations in relationships� falling in love way too easily, etc. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on that, finally experiencing a healthy build-up to a relationship� the path we were walking suddenly dead-ends.
I cannot help what my heart feels concerning joey. The last thing I thought would happen is that she would contact me. I also would have NEVER predicted the way I would feel if she did. In fact, I would have bet the world that I would have reacted differently.
But my heart speaks with it�s own mind.
This time, I cannot allow my heart to be the only voice I hear or follow. This time, I know that the rational part of me has to have a say (if it�s available� seems that it�s been on a prolonged leave of absence). I have NO idea if joey and I will reconnect romantically. There is a load of issues that would have to be worked out, for both of us. Unfortunately, for me to even contemplate reconnecting with joey, it�s at someone else�s expense.
That cave is looking like a damn fine option right now�
t85225 at 8:28 p.m.
|