2005-12-26
Right and wrong
OK, I got that out of My system.
Ever since I posted My last entry, I�ve been dwelling on it. And after a lot of soul searching, I�ve decided it was right� and wrong. Right in that I needed to say it� that I feel like shit that it didn�t work out, for a number of reasons. And that�s where the wrong starts to creep in� the reasons.
It was right� well, because I was (am?) in love. It�s a wonderful thing.
It was wrong because I�m ignoring a few very valid points:
-- why I was in love
That�s a tough one. I also have to admit that at least a part of the �why� is attributable to a few things. One, My seemingly insatiable desire to be accepted. After My marriage officially ended with Me moving out, the desire seems to have become even more acute. Two, at least according to the general theory concerning ACoA (and it makes sense, to a point, so I�ll accept it for now until I can prove otherwise), I tend to develop relationships that I�m sure cannot succeed. That�s what I grew up with as a model to pattern after, and I learned My lesson well it seems. I won�t go into the reasons that this relationship probably couldn�t succeed� those that know Me well will be more than willing to point them out.
-- how fast it all happened
This is the embarrassing part, as I had complete control over this and even considered it as it was happening, yet did nothing to slow it down. I know better� knew better. I lost mastery over Myself, and that�s a tough one to swallow. Yeah, I know, I�m only human� ease up and all that. Nope� even though there are times when I need to ease up on Myself, this isn�t one of them. When I screw up� I call Myself on it.
To be sure, I�m struggling inside to balance all this new-found insight as to why parts of Me are the way they are and how it affects Me� and how to handle it all. Part of that struggle is the previous post, followed by this one.
I�m also struggling with what seems like a disconnect from Myself. In the past, I know I would have tried to ease any hurt by seeking acceptance / solace / affection from another source. Yet this time, I find Myself feeling� distant from everyone else. And distant isn�t quite the right word� but I fail to find a suitable one at this point. I sit here and wonder� is this feeling the way its supposed to be, and is for everyone else? Is this what it�s like to not fall in love at the drop of a hat? Or is something else going on inside and I�m really drawing away for some reason? I just don�t know� am I healing, or further deteriorating? Well, I�ve got a 5 hour flight this evening, maybe I�ll work on that one.
t85225 at 11:27 a.m.
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