2006-11-06
Rambling at 42,000 feet
Note: this was written on a plane over the Atlantic 2 days ago� damn I�ve been busy!
It�s been quite awhile since I wrote. Even longer since I wrote for therapeutic reasons. The few times I have written lately have been fun� lighthearted� and had nothing to do with me except possibly expose others to my quirky world-view. Which, now that I reflect on that� is akin to exposing everyone at a party to dengue fever. Not always the best thing to do, but it certainly does attract attention.
Today, for some reason, is different. I already knew earlier that I would write something. I could feel it when I woke. The fact that the day has been filled with one moment after another that has been dredging up emotion after emotion I�m sure is coincidence and not a sign of premonition.
While I haven�t written about it here� or anywhere� and have mentioned it to scant few friends� I�ve actually been talking with someone and things have been moving along exceeding well, thank you very much. Really well. So well� no, I�m not going to say it. I�m not going to jinx this. But it feels good to say that it�s going well. I could see this going on a long (LONG!) time, assuming neither of us discovers something about the other that causes us to decide it�s never too late to run a background check. She�s beautiful, intelligent, sexy� and apparently doesn�t think mostly bald is all that bad.
On to other things�
I had a �talk� with my youngest son Sean today, and that was nothing short of a disaster. Damn him, I so see myself in him� and at 16, that�s not a good thing. When the ex and I were married, I was always the disciplinarian, and nothing has changed in that respect. The ex found a small amount of pot in his room, and he�s basically failing his sophomore year in high school. This is just the latest in a string of incidents that I�ve work on with Sean over the course of the last year� we talk, I think I get through to him (and I believe I do, as behavior improves for a bit), and the ex decides to� well, be herself. And down Sean spirals again. So today I spoke with him about it, and he basically said he didn�t care. Sigh� I�ve got a few tricks up my sleeve to MAKE him care, but really didn�t want to go down that path � in-residence programs. I had to be taken down that path when I was his age (actually a bit younger), so I know what a profound impact it can have. Still, it�s not something you ever wish for you children, and I was hoping to avoid it. I�m afraid if I wait too much longer, it�ll be too late and someone else will start calling the shots (like the juvenile court system). That I DON�T want.
On a lighter note, I spoke with my daughter Michelle today. 15 days and counting till her due date and the birth of my first grandchild. OMG, she�s just a child herself! But, I had enough sense when she told me she was expecting way back when that all I let her see was support. Still, I worry that she will be missing so much of her life as a young adult. 19 is just too damn young to be having kids.
So, I�m sitting on the plane and the movie is something called Broken something-or-other. It�s a �relationship� movie� and it was what REALLY drudged up all sorts of emotions. The biggest was the broken relationship between the father and the daughter. Speaking with Michelle today just laid the ground work for it to plunge a dagger into my heart and twist. I don�t speak to Michelle daily, although she would like if I did. I don�t� even speak to her weekly. Why? Damned if I know. It�s not like I can�t call� or don�t have the time. I really, really don�t know why I don�t call more often.
I don�t know why I seemingly sabotage all my relationships. It�s not that I do things to harm them� but I allow inaction to do just as much damage. So, today while watching the movie, reflecting on how my inaction in so many relationships with family has had very negative consequences, I decided I�d do something about it. Like� quit all this inaction. And as I write that, the phrase �empty words� flits across my mind. Well damn it� they aren�t empty words. And as I click my heels together three times�
Wow� it took me all sorts of drivel to get to what was bothering me. A full page of crap, and the paragraph above is what I needed to put into words. One little paragraph. Funny how that works, eh?
Thanks for listening�
t85225 at 7:52 p.m.
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