2006-09-09
Rambling thoughts...
Well, I said I had something to write about� so here goes.
I�m amazed at how good I feel. I am looking back over my life these last handful of months and thing to myself �what was I thinking / doing?�
For the last few years, really� with with more focused energy this last year� I�ve desired / wanted / looked for a deep and meaningful relationship. I wanted to wake up and have �her� be the first thing on my mind. I wanted to go to sleep and think of nothing but her. And� I wanted the same in return. Since my marriage ended just over a year ago, I�ve had the freedom to actually find that relationship I so desperately craved.
What I�ve discovered � while I still want that, it�s not what I need at the present.
A bit of a shocker, to say the least!
What I needed all along (or now? I think all along, but it�s hard to say for sure), was time to myself. Time to develop and enjoy friendships� and myself.
These last few weeks have really been eye opening. I�ve suddenly been content with being alone, as it were. The feeling that I needed� craved� a relationship is suddenly and inexplicably gone.
And, I�ve started to try and rebuild some friendships that I almost ruined due to lack of effort on my part.
I still don�t really know why I felt such an over-powering need to be in a relationship, nor why the sudden realization that I am fine by myself. It�s going to take quite a bit of self reflection to figure those things out. I�m not even sure I want to put the effort into figuring out the �whys�� I think that effort would be better spent in figuring out where to go from here.
I�m about to make my flight arrangements for the next few weeks, and since I�ll be flying back and forth to the east Texas area each week, I think I�ll go ahead and schedule myself a weekend in New Orleans. I can�t seem to get the thought of moving back there out of my mind� perhaps a reality check of actually visiting and seeing that the New Orleans that I keep in my memory isn�t there any longer will help curb that.. or not! Either way, it should help. Kill me or cure me, so to speak.
And now that I�ve written that above concerning New Orleans� that isnt� where I really want to go, either. What I really desire is to have some little shack in the wilderness. I want to sit on a porch each evening, looking out over a small pond or lake� or stream� and watch the light slowly fade to nothing. I want to wake as the sun returns the light to the world, and hear the beginnings of a new day (and NOT hear the returning drone of traffic).
Of course, I still want internet access :p And a reasonable drive each week to the airport.
Anyone know of such a place???
t85225 at 6:24 p.m.
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