2006-02-28
Thank god its a lightbulb and not a candle
Before I start, a warning to any readers� this post has NOT been certified by the FDA as having effective ingredients that aid in the promotion of sleep� but is as exciting and fun to read as the �Application for Fictitious Business Name� legal notices in the newspaper.
There�s a lot going on in some of my �blog friends� lives right now�
And I had written a few paragraphs concerning them here� but ended up deleting them. Why should I subject their lives to the scrutiny that I do myself? I do it myself because� well, I�m not exactly sure why. But I digress� all of a sudden, it seems preferable to write about other�s lives rather than my own.
Why?
I know damn well why, and am flittering around the reason like a moth does a light bulb on the porch (you know.. flies into it head-first� is dazed and almost falls out of the air� but returns, time after time). Because if I don�t have theirs figured out exactly, if I am wrong� well, I�m just wrong. No harm, no foul. Their lives continue on as if I haven�t commented (well, maybe a rant or two thrown my way� but they�ll get over it), and except for a bruised ego for being wrong, I continue on as well.
However� if I examine what�s going on inside of me and am wrong� it has a much more profound impact. A wrong analysis and I�m headed down the wrong path, or worse, I make a u-turn on the correct path and start to wander aimlessly. And I�m tired of that crap. I did it for way too much of my life.
My realization that I was wandering actually happened a few times� and each time I ignored it. I can identify a few specific points� when I was about 20, and 24 and 34� that it slapped me right in the face. And like a misguided pacifist, turned the other cheek. Then, when I was 40, I had a life-altering experience� I almost died.
The story is worthy of retelling� perhaps I will soon. To paraphrase it, I spent 2 weeks in a hospital (2 days in post-surgery ICU) and without even a conscious effort, started seeing life� others as well as my own� much differently. It was about 6 months after that experience that I really started to live my life differently by actively searching for who I was, where I was going� and, finding out who I wasn�t and where I wasn�t going. It�s funny� the identification of who I wasn�t and where I wasn�t going seems to have had more of an impact that anything. Maybe because it didn�t take so long� it was a quicker process. I stepped back from myself, thinking I knew all about me� and saw that what I had thought� just wasn�t.
But once again, I digress. I�ve wandered off my topic and am now speaking about what prompted this journey I�m on. Back to what I�m avoiding�
I�m tired of heading down the wrong path, wandering aimlessly, making incorrect analyses of what�s really going on inside (and outside). And� that struggle to maintain the proper course� to even find the proper course in life, is what is so often presented here. And yet, even though I�ve filled a page here� I continue to dance around the real issue I�m dealing with today.
Perhaps tomorrow it will expose itself.
t85225 at 10:11 p.m.
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